annie werner

• on being vulnerable

  Something I’ve struggled with for years, and I think a lot of girls my age struggle with (possibly?), is the desire to be a self-efficient, independent, strong, doesn’t-need-a-man kind of woman conflicting with the (innate?) desire for love and romance. Certainly this is not a new thing, but I think a lot of people, myself included, still wrongly manifest this psychological connection between love and weakness, and it’s inhibitive.

  With this post-feminist (I suppose?) kind of psyche, a lot of girls my age want relationships, but they also don’t want to seem needy. What results is a lot of cold quasi-relationships, and they forget that maybe there is something to be said, something strong, about a life-long project that isn’t entirely self-centered. I constantly have to remind myself that it is absolutely a normal thing to want someone who is going to love me back more than anything or anyone else in the world (and have a career, cultivate a social life, and take care of myself).

  But people like me need nurturing. My mother tells me that my father was a lot like this — very guarded (nothing to do with post-feminism I’m sure) and would hardly say “I love you” back to her— but she said she saw something in him, that he was a good person and realized that was hard to find, so she persevered. She had to teach him how to communicate love, but they’ve been married 25 years. My father is lucky, and he knows it. Now he tells her everyday.

  Ahhh mush mush mush. (Ed. note: See?! Already my guard is up! I couldn’t handle the sentimentality of that anecdote, so I tried to harden it with humor!) Of course, ambient affects of post-feminism are not the only things that have contributed to my guard. Numerous adverse experiences have built up defenses that make me seem impossible to open up.

  Nevertheless, I think “being romantically open” takes practice, and it’s hard when you don’t really have anyone to practice on. I mean what do you just sit and wait to be able to practice? But I’m forgetful! Well, I guess allowing myself to seem vulnerable publicly via personal blog is a start. To vulnerability! (And finding love!)

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